It's my dad's birthday in a couple of days. I remember every year around this time, or actually maybe about a week earlier, I'd be thinking about what I'm gonna get him for his birthday, and at the same time, I'd be looking for some funny birthday card, with a cool joke on it! When I pass by a nice shirt or a suit, I still imagine what he'd look like in them. He looked really nice in suits! One time I got him a couple of things including an orange/brownish casual shirt, that he later matched with a pair of dark brown pants, and he looked just awesome in them!

After he passed away last year, I naturally got many condolence messages from family and friends, trying to comfort me in some way. I heard things like: Yeah ... this is part of life! Life goes on! You gotta be strong! You gotta take care of your mama now! you gotta be thankful that your mom's still around! You'll get used to it!

Not knowing anything about my personal beliefs and my physicalist view of life, some others would make comments of the religious nature, things like: He's still with you at this moment, and all the moments of your life! or how his soul is always going to be around ... oh, those were the toughest to handle, and I'd just listen to them, counting seconds for them to shut the **** up!

On the other hand, my mom's cousin, who's also lost her father in her 20's (and had apparently been very close to him) said (with tears in her eyes): I know it's hard, but I'm not gonna try and fool you by saying you'll get used to it, coz you never will! The truth is, it'll always be as if it just happened yesterday! you never get used to it! you just learn to deal with it as time passes ...

and she was right!!! the wound never healed, and I don't really expect it to either! I'm just trying to get used to the fact that it's there ... and I run my ordinary life, at every moment of which I wonder what it'd be like if he were still around! as I still wonder this year what I would get him for his 61st birthday!